Always We Begin Again
On choice, life, death, sex, and other small things
“Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:60
“Real practice makes you more functional, more grounded, and more capable in everyday life.”
EL Azazelle
“As a Kshatriya, I shall continue to fight my battles, but when I burn the dead, I shall pray for a world free from all wars.
Rama (movie)
Always we begin again.” St. Benedict of Nursia
Until you fully accept death with no judgment attached
You will not be able to fully live.
This has been the teaching of all ancient mystery schools.
And it was not theoretical, nor was it something you can pack into a new age weekend workshop (though the realization comes at any time).
But something comes to a natural progression of walking the path.
And we can argue on how it was an elitist thing and all that is wrong with that.
But the truth is there were other mysteries available for anyone, for nature cannot be put in systems and boxes.
And yet, not all paths are for everyone.
Not because someone would be excluded on a random basis,
but simply because not everyone is prepared to climb Mount Everest,
unless you are mad, and then go, but do it at your own risk, and you have to take full responsibility for your creations,
and if you can do that..
You don’t really need the path anyway.
I wrote about death in my thesis about 15 years ago, and I wrote it after I had to die to a lot of versions of my old self and had to commune with my inner elf.
And it was great and fun and not totally useless: 100 pages.
But it was theory.
When I met people who actually embody that knowing..
It rocked my world, induced protests, and almost drove me mad.
Be careful when you choose to dance with shadow dancers.
It is the most ecstatic thing you can possibly imagine.
And it just might drive you mad or kill you if you are but one bit attached.
But that is another matter.
She said, “Death is just a POV.”
And she meant it, and she knew it.
And had not been able to receive it fully.
Despite all the spiritual workshops and journeys and books and processes and magic and whatnot,
when things hit close to home…
It hurt(s) like hell.
Recently again.
When my dog got sick, she almost died.
It tore me to pieces.
She ended up making it, by the grace of God and the amazing veterinarians and healers and the grace of the unseen.
But it brought me to my knees.
And we can be tempted to try to create deep insight that makes everything seem ok and brings complete understanding and peace beyond understanding and whatnot…
and that does happen.
But they are temporary.
Even if you happen to hit realisations of emptiness and the empty nature of all things or whatever high spiritual realisation you think this time this is IT.
It is still temporary.
and it will fade away,
unless it is the ultimate one.
For it will bring different fruits.
But even then...
I wager you will still feel low and depressed at times, and you will still cry and scream at injustice and feel the pain.
You just kind of learn to live with it.
Which is what she said.
And I still don’t understand, and maybe part of my obsession with her was the need to understand what she knew, beyond the rest of the things any man would gladly die to get but a taste of..
For me, sex and death have always been interlinked.,
not in a theoretical philosophical way,
but in a very real, visceral way.
Maybe this is why I am obsessed with Goth chicks. :)
And it is a riddle I am still learning to understand and a mystery that drives me mad and at the same time brings me deeper.
And ultimately it is about making mistakes, even big ones, even those that cost you more than you can pay, with interest accrued even.
But the truth is, little one, that there are infinite choices available.
And all of them are more or less equally “right” or “wrong”, and there is not a God telling you what to do.
That is the crutch undeveloped souls use to avoid taking full responsibility for their creations.
And you knew this before you had known of any spirituality.
Sartre, that French bloke, made it clear.
You are the author of your choices, and we are “convicted to freedom.”
It was not so much about metaphysics and free will in a grand sense,
but more about how we use so many excesses to avoid true freedom;
whatever we believe that to be
And I myself am not clear on that, to be honest. Some days it seems it’s all a choice, and some days it is clear as pure Icelandic ice crystal.
that everything is written.
But that is mostly irrelevant, and the Prophet Himself (AS) supposedly could have said, “Know that everything is written, but act as if you are responsible for everything.”
It all comes up to recognising our hypocrisy and the million ways we try to run away from making a choice and taking ownership.
We (ab)use God, karma, fate, biology, spirituality, intellect, and whatnot to avoid having to say:,
I have chosen,
and I have no idea what this choice will bring.
It could bring riches, death, or madness or worse.
And yet I stand by it.
That is the only place.
worth standing at,
and choosing to start walking to and
from.
All else
is but writing on
the water.
May we make wise choices and learn to live with the consequences of what we choose.
and live to tell
the tale.
And it ain’t over yet
we are actually just
beginning ;)